June 2, 2017

Goodbye To My Only Child

I realize the title of this post sounds a little dramatic; Adam isn't going anywhere. However, with the impending arrival of baby girl, I can't help but get a little emotional about how much life is going to change. For the past two years, its been us two, just me and my buddy. Now, that whole dynamic is going to change. Of course I'm happy to be giving him a sibling, a built-in, lifelong best friend. I have 3 siblings of my own and could never imagine life without them. But I feel a little heartbroken for him at the same time, knowing how hard the change will probably be on him. For the last two years, he's been the sole focus of our attention, our only baby. Now that attention will need to be shared; there's going to be an adjustment period for all of us. I struggle internally, wondering if two years as the only child was enough? Did I betray him? Should we have had more time, or would that have made things harder? It seems like one of the constants of motherhood is that you're always second guessing yourself...

My sweet boy, thank you for making me a mama and allowing me to experiment, make mistakes and navigate my way through motherhood. I will forever cherish the time we had where it was just us two. My heart already aches for the day I have to say goodbye to you, knowing that when I return we'll no longer be a family of 3, and you no longer my "one and only." So for now, I'm trying to be fully present and find myself embracing your little hugs for just a little longer, because soon, there will be that final hug before your sister comes, and I just don't know how I'll be able to let go.

As emotional as I am, I know that you and your sister will be the best of friends and that you will love her dearly. I can't wait to watch you grow into your new role as "big brother". And even though that will be your new title, you will always be my baby, even if you're no longer "the baby" of the family. Your happiness will always be a priority for me, and I will always love you from the depth of my being. 

My sweet, sweet boy, "I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality," I'd always choose you to be my first. (The Chaos of Stars, Kiersten White) Your sister is going to be so lucky to have you.


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